I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
