If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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