The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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