Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
