My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Randomize
