Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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