Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
