There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
