do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
