Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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