My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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