If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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