Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
