Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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