Please, let me fuck your mom
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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