The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
