you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
