Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
