i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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