if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
