make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
