its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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