Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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