You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
