the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
