I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
