If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
