His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
