He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize