There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
