dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
