When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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