The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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