sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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