I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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