I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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