I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
