Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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