??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
