Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
