how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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