Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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