if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
