I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
