i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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