i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So much rum. So many feels.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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