Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
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