Yo dont text me then not text me
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
