So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
