he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
