I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
