dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
