you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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