Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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