I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
