I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you had me at cake vodka
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
