More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
