Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
