I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
