Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
